she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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