i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
