my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize