Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
