i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
