wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He shit in the fireplace
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