I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
