i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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