Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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