so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
