hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
