So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize