wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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