Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
