So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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