She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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