she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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