just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
