he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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