I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
