My first STD was from a foam party
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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