Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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