College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
