You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
