Cold hands, warm shart.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
