There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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