I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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