I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
