Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
