WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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