I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
