I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
