dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
