am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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