I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
birth control should be required to get into college
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
