letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
