one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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