Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
