We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
