I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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