you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
