Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
