I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
