On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
