you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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