I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
