I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
