theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
