Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
In America we eat man semen.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
