it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
