How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
