Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
