Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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