the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
