I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
