i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
