Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
