Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
