god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
