i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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