Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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