Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
