My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I had your ass I would rule the world
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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