I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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