I wanna passion pit in your ass
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
