I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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