I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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