im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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